err...or lack thereof....

I was sitting here, writing about 300 patient notes (feels like it), and decided to write an inspirational post about time management....It would have gone something like this:

1.  Write a list of things to do.
2.  Start sweating at the length of list.
3.  Throw list in trash and set it on fire.
4.  Open blogger and look at pretty things.

So, no.  I am not the person to lecture you on how to spend your time wisely.  Google it.  There are plenty of people online giving you step by step guides on how to work militantly for the rest of your life.

This little pygmy woman is here to tell you, as a person who has worked her little bum off for her first 30 years, that life is about the moments when you don't have a list.  And so, this really turned into "The Procrastinator's Guide to Living Vicariously Stressfully".

1.  Own lots of dogs.  It's good for the heart and soul.  Hoards of them.  Call them your herd.  Assert your dominance where ever you go by having your pack pee on everything.  Don't get invited back.  Whatever.  That's my house now, and you know it.

2.  Postpone your work until the last minute.  If you can take anything from this post, let it be this: You get a mad rush of adrenaline by turning in your assignment due at midnight at 11:59:59.  Those shaking hands, that's living baby!

3.  Don't sleep.  I mean it.  So your joints hurt, you can't think clearly, and you feel like death, so what?  Think of all those suckers wasting all the time sleeping, when they could be watching Netflix.  Let's face it.  You're not going to be able to concentrate on boring stuff like numbers, words, reading and such with that killer headache and that new season of Stranger Things isn't going to watch itself in one day.

4.  Or sleep a lot.  Whoa baby!  Exercise to make that beach body deadline?  Nope.  Sleep my precious.  Sleep fourteen hours a day.  Think of all the wrinkles you won't get and all the calories you won't eat.  Once you're a week off from having to wear that bikini, cry a lot, buy a cover-up and pretend it never happened, stressfully of course.

Now let's go kick 2018's ass...or there's always 2019.  I'm going to take a nap.  Welcome back everybody.

Today marks the first in a series I am going to tag as graduate school problems.  Some of these things may or may not have been learned through personal experience.  Gosh, I really, really love graduate school...seriously....but some weekends, I feel like I only leave my bed for nourishment.  Wasting time going to the bathroom is for suckers...goodbye kidneys!  Without further adue, here are some signs that you graduate students need to step away from from the books and your bed (which is where I study):

1.  You feel a bump on your cheek and worry you have some sort of weird Ebolla-Enterovirus mutant growth.  Don't be alarmed.  It's just nutella.



2.  You wake up in the middle of the night with a buzzing in your ear and immediately start to run through a list of things that could possible be going wrong in your ear.  Is it infection?  A ruptured ear drum?  Of course not.  It's just a flying ant that decided to enter your ear and remodel it for its future babies...by biting...and thrashing.  Please do not anger it but pouring stuff in your ear.  Run, don't walk, to the nearest ER.  Later discover from doctor boyfriend that you could've killed it by pouring mineral oil in your ear and then calmly flushing it out with warm water.  AIN'T NOBODY DOING NOTHING CALMLY WHEN THERE'S AN ANT TRYING TO CHEW ITS WAY INTO YOUR BRAIN!!



3.  Your dogs have become so lethargic that a five minute walk around the block (because that's all the cardio you have time and lung capacity for) leaves them panting and you pulling on a leash.  An immediate nap and five glasses of water will rectify the trauma of this unprecedented exercise.  Bacon bits also help soften the blow.



4.  You have more pictures of yourself laying on different pieces of furniture with your dogs while studying than you have of the outside world.



5.  Blinking hard when you finally leave your dark room in the mornings for class is also not a good sign.  That gorgeous pasty body brings some serious sexy to the clinic setting.  You might as well hiss like a vampire when you leave your house.

Now,  most times when I arrive at a thrift store, I arrive with the knowledge that I brought my cash and left my will power in the car.  Some days,  I am forced to leave things that I really liked because...
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Yesterday, I heard something on TV (or illegally streamed tv shows) that lit some sort of internal light bulb.  I just had to share with you.  The always wise Sheldan said, "If it makes you feel any better, in 100 years, you'll be dead and none of this will matter.".  You're welcome.  Uplifting?  No.  True?  Yes.  No matter how huge our problems are they are tiny compared the infinite complexity of the universe.  In other words, it's time to shake off the stress and go out to shake a tail feather.

Go on, have a great day!  Kick ass and sleep more than necessary my friends!  Have a wonderful weekend.

**For a low FODMAP alternative, simply omit the onions and garlic, like I do.  I promise it will still taste great, but, as we all know, everything is infinitely more delicious with loads of onions and garlic.**